Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to Pixel Parenting, the podcast that helps families raise kids in a world full of screens using science and curiosity. Here we share science backed strategies and real conversations to help you build healthier digital habits with practical tools for everyday parenting in this digital age. Let's get into it Today I'm talking with Kaelyn Teaches, a research librarian at Boston Children's Hospital and the Digital Wellness Lab. She spends her days digging into the latest research on kids, teens and media and turning it into advice parents can actually use. In this episode, we unpack parental mediation, how you talk about screens, use them together and set limits. We also get into sibling dynamics, the classic that's not fair and simple rules like keeping devices out of bedrooms. If you ever wondered how to set screen rules that feel fair, protect sleep and still leave room for fun, this conversation with Kayelyn will give you practical research, informed ideas you can try this week. Thank you Caitlin for being here. It is great to have you. When we first met you work as a librarian in Harvard in a research team. Can you tell us what do you do on a day to day basis and how you're involved in research?
[00:01:09] Speaker B: So my job is very unique and interesting and I feel very honored to work in the lab that I do because as a research librarian I kind of see my day to day dip into two main roles, I would say, which is the research piece and then the outreach. So for research, one of the things that I do almost every day and at least every week is just see what's out there. Like what research is being published about kids, teens and how media is affecting their life, what are some trends that I can track or different ways researchers are trying to explore the same topic. Like this is often a very controversial topic or there's little subdivisions within it and there's just so much research. So how can we stay on top of that is a whole task in and of itself. And, but then also thinking about the outreach piece. So everything that I'm learning, how can I help translate that into actionable things that parents feel that they are empowered by because there's a lot of information, but not necessarily out of guidance or not sure how to interpret things. You know, you see research, you don't really know what it means for you and your child. So kind of bridging that gap between the research and the community as well. That's kind of my everyday job.
[00:02:26] Speaker A: Yeah. And I bet you'll read a lot of research that is contradictory. I've read that before. So how do you manage that and how do you Pass on the message to parents when research is not aligned.
[00:02:38] Speaker B: Yeah, I think a lot of times, you know, being in a research space, we are very careful about what we do and do not think of the data that we're collected because we know there's always gonna be gaps or there's some reason that we might be interpreting something one way. But what I do is across the research as a whole, like, what are the connections or what are the kind of through lines here, and how can that help parents? You know, there is a lot of research about not only child use now, but we're moving into how does parental media use also affect, like, your relationship with your child and your child's own media use? And so I can take, like, that piece and kind of start translating it into understanding, like, rules and regulations and kind of, you know, the media landscape for your home as a whole. But each individual paper might feel really dense and jargony, but they're saying kind of the same thing about being cautious about, you know, how we think about media and how we are ourselves as parents and caregivers interpret our own media use.
[00:03:44] Speaker A: What shifts are you seeing in kids media use?
[00:03:49] Speaker B: I think both for parents and researchers, the very quick proliferation of AI feels very overwhelming, I would say, especially for parents. I hear from a lot of people who feel like it just kind of like burst onto the scene in a way that now the tech is embedded into so many different facets of people's lives, like their work, their school, their child's school.
And so as it continues to grow, we need to make sure that information about the technology is as transparent as that. Parents, caregivers, teachers, anyone who is interacting with children can make informed decisions about how they decide to use this instead of feeling like it's just something that they can't control or they don't understand.
I think another one is the shift of, like, how we think about social media. I think, you know, for my own age group, social media was the platforms like Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, but for kids, it's also gaming platforms. Like, so much media is social, and I could play, you know, games online with people, but it's certainly not the same as it is today. And so I think understanding how young people themselves understand what is a social gaming or social media experience is really important. And I'm glad that we're kind of starting to really bring young people into that conversation.
[00:05:13] Speaker A: So you mentioned parents in the whole equation.
So, parents, how would you explain that in practical terms? What is parental mediation?
[00:05:22] Speaker B: There are kind of Three in the research, ways of thinking about parental mediation, which we often think of like active. So that's like talking to children about what they're seeing, co viewing, which is, you know, actually engaging in the media at the same time, and then restrictions, which are kind of, I think, what we frequently hear about in terms of, you know, setting rules on platforms, things like that. But overall, I think about these as most just best practices for supporting children to help build healthy media habits. And so, you know, these academic terms can feel really rigid or like this is the only way, but this is more of like a fluid activity and it doesn't have to stay the same when a child is in preschool versus in high school, you know, so it's more of that like fluid monitoring and best practices to support a child through all of their developmental stages.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: What kind of parental mediations are there? You explain a little bit the active mediation, but I know there are more.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: So the active mediation is like kind of having conversations or rechecking in with what children are engaging with. And it doesn't have to be at the same time as, you know, the co viewing where you're doing it together.
Active mediation can be explaining rules, explaining why some features might be more harmful at the age that they are, you know, talking to strangers on gaming platforms or seeing violent content and what that means and how we can think about it. So that's that active mediation piece and is more of kind of the what we would think of as like education around media or the media literacy piece.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: And what other parental mediations are there?
[00:07:04] Speaker B: Yeah, so co viewing is very similar.
Sometimes it's like hard because you're probably engaging in active mediation while you are watching something. But especially for younger children, co viewing is really important, you know, should continue to do it throughout a child's life, but especially for younger children, making sure that you're really engaging with the content with them so that they can understand it, take breaks process.
And then the restrictive mediation is the rule setting. So having certain rules on platforms or setting parental controls or having spaces where phones are not allowed during the day, making sure phones are out of a room at night, that's like a restrictive.
[00:07:47] Speaker A: Behavior without the explanation. Because you can have active end rules.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: Yeah, so that's why it's like the academic piece is hard because these often overlap, especially in our current media landscape.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: You touched the piece of, you know, while growing up. What happens when you have two children that are, you know, different ages? How do you approach the different age groups?
[00:08:11] Speaker B: That can be really hard, especially because like, they might be accessing different materials or devices or some of. Like, there might be ownership at different times.
And so it's thinking about how can we make sure that as a family, we are kind of weaving into each other's media landscapes when we can, but then explaining the differences. So I'm thinking about, like, the difference between what's fair and what's equal. There's a way to communicate the benefits of both things and, like, different spaces where media use might happen to children to explain why there are those differences. So, like, for example, a child in preschool is really upset that an older sibling's playing video games in the evening. And so you can explain, well, he's playing with his friends from school, but we got to see our friends at the library today in person, so. So he's playing with his friends the same way we played with our friends earlier. Or that laptop is for school, but we can learn together. When we watch our show later, we always watch something like, Eleanor wonders why we watch that together. So that's how we learn. But he has to write his papers on his laptop. So explaining the purpose of use rather than just focusing on, oh, that's his or that's not yours. So how it's being used, rather than just, like, the specific access to the technology.
[00:09:39] Speaker A: So when should parents lean on active mediation, co use vs restriction? How would they balance that?
[00:09:45] Speaker B: I think so the active mediation piece is, like, really critical to have that shared experience with media. So, you know, it's always providing opportunities to build media literacy. Start thinking critically. You know, every time an ad pops up on YouTube, you can talk about it and, you know, oh, when can we skip this? Why are we seeing this? You know, we really, like, we watched a video about this toy and now we're seeing an ad. How does that work? You know, having those conversations, but having restrictions in place, especially for younger users, you know, who are first starting to use a platform or device. One of the most helpful suggestions I can provide for that piece is to, whenever possible, try and familiarize yourself with the platform or game before your child starts using it. You know, sometimes that might always, not always be possible. They're introduced to it at a friend's house or, you know, they have an app at school.
But if you are able to introduce yourself to the controls or the parental guide, you know, online, looking at a guide of how to set up some of these features or what features even exist, you can make decisions that feel more like, empowered and informed rather than, I'm just so scared of what they're about to kind of enter into. And also, you know, when you are looking through this, try and maneuver the platform like a child. Right. Like as adults we think, oh, this is great. Like this is going to make sure that we can have chat conversations, but we can't have voice conversations. For an instance, what would a 10 year old do to try and get around that? Does it work if you are playing this game like a child who's trying to break all the rules instead of testing out these features like an adult and being like, great, it works the way I want it to.
You know, children are using these technologies in different ways than we would. And so kind of putting yourself in their mind can help kind of test some of these parental mediation features too.
[00:11:45] Speaker A: Going back to the sibling situation, when you're using different parental controls for different siblings, how would you navigate that? Why some parental controls for one don't work for the other?
[00:11:59] Speaker B: I think like explaining sometimes the content is really important.
So talking about like the way that we think about violence or like rating systems, you know, sometimes can be helpful in managing that. Like this rate game is rated for teens and you're not a teen yet. And like these are the things why it's rated for teens and we're just not ready to see that yet. And then seeing again if they're using similar things, maybe there's a feature that in three months, as they get a little bit older, the older child who has access to it can same thing, be the expert and teach them how to use it. And maybe for a little while they can only use that feature if they're together.
And then the younger child eventually gains access to it as well. But it's kind of like those stepping stones or building blocks. So it's not a never, but it's. We're not ready for that yet. But we can talk to, you know, your sister and she'll help guide you through that. We when we can do that together.
So positioning it as like that relationship, like that shared kind of experience.
[00:13:03] Speaker A: So for preschooler, what makes content high quality and what's a healthy way to end screen time before the med lounge?
[00:13:11] Speaker B: So I think for really young children, like thinking about the purpose of what is being viewed and so it's usually videos, you know, YouTube, streaming TV.
So thinking about content like what is going on, is there a clear learning goal or are there a lot of different topics being addressed? So for example, I was just trying to search on YouTube earlier to see what was there as an example and I found one video that's 20 minutes long and it has songs about days and months and colors and shapes. And that's so many learning concepts versus like a slower paced episode of a show that focuses on, you know, having a conversation with your mom about something that was scary. Right. So there's like one kind of through line or theme there instead of a lot of different concepts just being really surface level introduced and also the pacing of it. So you know, sometimes I like to think, like if you think the show is really painfully slow and boring, it's probably perfect pacing for a really young child where we. You don't want really overstimulating too many things happening because it's really hard to process all of that content coming at you at once.
[00:14:27] Speaker A: What about elementary?
What simple rules deliver the biggest benefit.
[00:14:33] Speaker B: Like sleep, meals for sleep. That is so critical and that's, you know, for all age ranges, teens, it's still really important that they get enough sleep too. So. So one of the really important rules I think is ensuring that areas where children are sleeping are like calm and free from any distractions. But that obviously includes screens. So you know, making sure at bedtime those screens are somewhere, you know, maybe they're in a shared space like a kitchen. But maybe at first, if you suspect maybe those devices will try and be accessed at night, they stay with you. Again, you can move stepping stone. Maybe they move to the kitchen in a year, but for right now they're with you so that you can't access them at night. Homework, elementary school. A lot of children are getting those one to one devices and so their homework is going to start to be on a device. So talking to both your child and whenever possible the school about what's on the device and like what controls are in place on the device. So especially if they're one to one, like really ensuring that you know what can be downloaded on that are there restrictions in place so that only what is already on there or approved by the school can be accessed. So that it's only used for education, not playtime. Because if you have an app there that you downloaded on your own, but you're supposed to be doing your math homework, I think we would all feel pretty distracted and maybe not want to be doing the homework. So kind of removing those distractions if the materials are on a device, if they're not, you know, making sure that any home devices are not accessible during that time, like that's another kind of device free zone that we want to have is the homework. And then you know, kind of thinking about media being integrated into your day as a whole. Like what are the spaces and times that you really want to connect as a family? And designate those as like phone or tech free. So you know, meal times, we really want to connect and like we probably were all really busy and didn't see each other a lot, so let's reconnect and talk. But that means for us too. So as adults, like if we're checking our email and our 10 year old is like, I can't use my device, I can't use my iPad at dinner, but you're checking your emails. You know, that seems really hypocritical. So like ensuring that that expectation is for everyone in the family when you have those kind of device free zones at home.
[00:17:08] Speaker A: So let's get even more practical. Would you give parents some scripts that they can use? When a younger kid says it's not fair, like my movie issue, it's not fair, it's not fair. I want to watch it and I have a younger sibling.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: So I think there's some situations where you can just say xyz, here is why you can't access that, you know, say like this game. And especially for, you know, games or things with parental controls be like, I can't change the rules on this and the rules need to be different for you and your sibling. And because I can't change any of those rules, like we're not ready to use that together. We haven't practiced these things together. And then you know, thinking about the self regulation piece, we need to practice this together. I think a lot of times just accessing it like ignoring the conversation completely or saying like just because. Right. I think we can all remember for anything in our childhood that didn't necessarily work because we wanted to know. But for a lot of things we do have scaffolds now. So having that conversation of like, well, let's do this together or you know, okay, you can play this game with your sibling like we talked about before and just kind of making sure that they feel heard. So like that the negotiation feels like a negotiation rather than a harder fast rule. And I think the other thing too is like once these rules are in place, it's good at home, but in other situations it can feel really like we're not sure. And so having that open conversation where you know, you're acknowledging that frustration or like you're talking about why something can't be accessed because you, you are 10 and this is rated for mature. And so that's rated for people who are 17 and above. So there's going to be a lot of scary stuff in there, and we're just not ready to see that. Right. That's a little bit more concrete. But then if they go to a friend's house and they access that because their friend is playing, they might feel more confident coming home and, like, not feeling so scared if they did see something that scared them or made them uncomfortable. To share that experience with you because it's not as taboo. You know, you've at least brought it up. Up, because there is some new research coming out that's showing, like, when kids feel like the first thing that's going to happen is, like, they're going to get in trouble or their device is going to get taken away, they're less likely to share these negative experiences, which can mean it's more harmful. Right. They play Halo once at their friend's house, and I'm dating myself by using Halo.
They play a game at their friend's house and, you know, they were really scared by what was in the game, but they don't want to tell you because, you know, they know they weren't supposed to do that. And then so they go over the friend's house and they're playing it again versus, you know, saying. And then you can have a conversation with the parent or, you know, making sure, like, how do you talk to your kid? Maybe they can figure out a way to redirect that next time or suggest a new game. You have them bring over a game and so it can prevent even, like, more harm from occurring in the future. Yeah.
[00:20:26] Speaker A: Opening communication.
[00:20:27] Speaker B: Yeah. Which is what we always want. You know, there's always going to be experiences that are uncomfortable or that we're not ready for, but if we can prevent them from continuing to happen, that's really important. A lot of these conversations that we have about parental mediation, like, a lot of parents feel a lot of, like, guilt or shame when things don't work out perfectly.
And so I think, like, knowing that it's a balance, like, there are going to be some situations where it works perfectly and we're. We're at a restaurant and we want to color the whole time. And there's going to be some situations where sometimes we're going to play a video game because, you know, we knew that we really wanted to play this together and we didn't get to today. So media is a piece of our lives now, and it's about finding that balance, not finding a perfect situation where it's all or nothing. And So I think making sure that parents feel like they can make balanced decisions instead of having to have total rules or nothing is really important, too. Yeah.
[00:21:30] Speaker A: And I would add to that, that acknowledging to the kids that we parents don't know everything and that we can make mistakes and that some rules may have been put in place are not the right rules. We learn something and we're going to change the rule for this other rule and we can negotiate that rule. Right. But, like, it is a learning process for everybody and letting them know that we didn't grow. At least I didn't grow with the Internet behind my, you know, on my hand or a pocket away. I think that's also an important piece because it makes you human, vulnerable, and you can. It's part of opening the conversation. Right. Like not knowing everything.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: Yeah. And especially for teenagers, too, it's like acknowledging that we deal with these. Like, we always talk about concerns about young people, which I think are really salient for a lot of us. We wanna protect young people, but these are issues we struggle with, too. So, you know, when you are an adult and your teenager is accessing social media for the first time, walk through it and say, like, sometimes I see things that I don't wanna see. Like, I saw this really sad video. And so here's how I, you know, blocked that creator. Or just acknowledging that, like, this is not just something that young people are dealing with. We are all learning and being affected by technology.
You know, what can we do together to support each other and that we are. We are managing this too.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: So what about any tips for families with Neurodiverse kids?
[00:23:01] Speaker B: One of the things for, you know, neurodiverse kids, or very different temperaments or very different needs, is just talking to all the children together and, like, talking about what everybody likes, what everybody doesn't, and, like, what those needs are. So as a personal experience, like, I have a sister who had a lot of medical needs, especially when I was growing up. So, like, my family's media habits looked very different than some of my friends. So, you know, we would watch more movies together because that was something we all liked to do together. Or the video games that we played were different because my sister was blind. So there wasn't some games that we could all play together, but we all really loved, like, dancing games or Guitar Hero because they, Again, I'm dating myself there. But they, you know, they were games that we could all enjoy. And so it was very different. But then, you know, also, see if you can get involved, you know, especially with children with ADHD or autism who might be really invested in some of these spaces. Like, you might not love Minecraft, but if your neurodiverse daughter loves building castles on Minecraft, like, you don't have to be good at the game. Just pick up a controller and like explore her new build together or watch a YouTube video about, you know, mining in the game and then test it out together to see what you can find. So acknowledging that like, these digital spaces are a legitimate interest and they have their value and they can be really fun and they can be really entertaining. And so, you know, again, like, we think about the shame and guilt on parent side. It's also like acknowledging that these are really important to children and like, we don't have to love them, but understanding why our children love them.
[00:24:43] Speaker A: If parents must make just one change this week, what would you recommend?
[00:24:49] Speaker B: Our number one suggested rule is the screens outside of the bedroom. You know, especially at night, sleep is so important. This is something that's true across the developmental stage. It stays true from preschool to teenage year. And so having sleep space away from devices and distractions at night from the get go and that, that is the expectation moving forward. There's a lot of research about how access to devices and like screen media can delay sleep times or affect your quality of sleep. So setting that standard of having devices away from where you sleep is so important.
Yep.
[00:25:27] Speaker A: You are not the first guest that tells me this golden rule. It's always the same one at the end of most episodes, which is, so what would be your favorite phrase or prompt that helps move a tech conflict towards collaboration?
[00:25:43] Speaker B: I think the prompt is like, thank you for sharing how you feel. You know, we want it to be a collaboration. We get really frustrated when things don't go our way. It doesn't mean that, you know, instead of saying, oh, I'm really sorry, let's fix it. It's just, thank you for telling me that this is bothering you. Thank you for sharing how you feel.
It makes the negotiation a shared experience and that they're being heard. It doesn't mean that it's going to go their way, but they at least know that, like they can share that frustration in a way that you are listening and we are both growing from it.
[00:26:20] Speaker A: And to finish, what's one hopeful trend you're seeing in families or schools?
[00:26:26] Speaker B: I think the trend that I'm seeing that makes me really excited is like young people are taking action and like really expressing that they want to learn more. They're often the first adopters of new technology.
But they, like I said, they want to make these technologies safer for themselves, for others, especially younger kids.
So they want access to media literacy. They want to be taught how to use these tools, or they're finding new ways to really evaluate their own relationship with technology and, like, share that. And maybe they're sharing it on TikTok and saying, you know, these are my rules for screen. I don't use it in the first hour. I wake up. Or these are some hobbies, so that I'm not using my phone. They're so aware. So often there's discussions about young people without young people, but they're really demanding that they be heard and that they have a seat in the table at this, you know, as we are making decisions that really affect them. And I think that's really powerful. And I'm very hopeful about what that means for moving this conversation forward.
[00:27:29] Speaker A: Where can they find your work? And I remember there's a website where they can find actual. The actual research summaries.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: Yes. So on the Digital Wellness lab website, it's digitalwellnesslab.org and I will share it. And we have our own research, often in the form of pulse surveys, where we've done research about cell phone bans in school and how young people are using AI.
We also have research briefs that I write, which are, like, very short analyses or summaries of topics that are being talked about a lot. So we have one about young people's experiences belonging online and how they find that, or what young people think about gaming. So those are there as well. And then we also have the Family Digital Wellness Guide, which I think works really well with this conversation because it is separated by developmental stage and talks about how young people are using media at that age, what are some trends, and then also, you know, best practices based on, you know, mentoring, modeling, parenting practices.
[00:28:34] Speaker A: This is a great ending for the episode with all these great assets that parents can check out and see. All the research that is being done on this topic and all the research that needs to be done on this topic.
[00:28:47] Speaker B: So always learning.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Always learning. Exactly. Always.
Okay, thank you. Thank you, Caitlin, for being here.
[00:28:53] Speaker B: Thank you so much.
[00:28:55] Speaker A: That's it for today's conversation with Kaitlyn Teaches. I hope you're living with a few concrete ideas you can try at home this week. Maybe it's keeping devices out of bedrooms. Maybe it's naming why a limit exists. Or maybe it's trying one new way to handle the that's not fair moments between siblings. If this episode was helpful, please follow Pixel Parenting and share it with a friend or school community. You can find more episodes and resources in the show. Notes thanks for listening. Keep parenting with curiosity and see you next time.
